Last weekend I celebrated my 24th birthday; while almost a month ago I attempted to take my life.
With suicide prevention month ending, I wanted to spread awareness on the topic. Yes, we see all over social media 'check on your friends' and we see people posting awareness that 'suicide' is a real thing, however it is actually really hard to be real and honest about it. I didn't understand how to talk to people or how to reach out to people without feeling like a burden.
Being a Christian, I often wonder, if God is good, why did I get to this point? I tried to live the "christian life" I spent two years doing missions, I went to church every Sunday, I attended bible studies, I did what I thought you were suppose to do and got married to a man who had the same passion I did. I thought I checked all the boxes till one day everything came crashing down and I lost everything. My marriage failed, I stopped attending church and I stopped following Jesus.
I felt shame flood over me and I felt like I couldn't be truly real with how everything affected me. I felt alone.
My devotional today said 'Those people God uses most to bring glory to Himself are those who are completely broken, for the sacrifice He accepts is a "broken and contrite heart." That took me a minute to swallow, why would God use broken people for his glory?
It's because when He brings healing He doesn't just put the pieces back together, He makes it NEW.
"There comes a point in your life that people have said so much about you, that you have said so much about you, that you forgot what the Father said about you"
Jesus says you are worthy, Jesus says you are chosen, Jesus says you matter. He stirred up a passion in you for a reason, He has you HERE in this moment for a reason.
The book of Psalms orchestrates from beginning to end of David crying out to God in His brokenness for healing, the struggles he was facing, the faults he made but by the end he is praising Jesus' name on his knees.
Although I haven't been living the most by the book "Christian" lifestyle it doesn't mean that I am no longer loved by Him.
The worst thing you can do is be silent when you are at your lowest, you are loved by so many. Talk about it, talk to friends, talk to family, talk to Jesus (if that's your thing). Surround yourself with those who lift you up and make you stronger. I still deserve to be in this world, and so do you.