My walk with Jesus, has been absolutely brutal lately.
I have fallen off the wagon and I've been dragging behind by a thin string (picture that). It's crazy how easily you can lose yourself once you let yourself get away with one thing.
These past few months... have not been easy, they've actually been the hardest months in a long, long time. I forgot who I was and who He made me to be and I've let myself do things that I am not proud of.
Don't get me wrong, I still love Jesus wholeheartedly I just haven't been letting my choices show that, so Jesus I am sorry.
I'm sorry for disobeying and not being the person you've created me to be. I'm sorry for making choices that neither of us are proud of. I'm sorry for hurting numerous people in the process. I'm sorry for not coming to you when I was hurting and turning to the world for attention and comfort. I'm sorry for not praying, for not seeking proper counsel, for walking away from you and everyone who I can truly trust. I'm sorry for not being a Christian that people can look up too.
It's crazy though, this isn't the first time I've fallen away and done my own thing thinking I'd be ok without him but it turns out every time I run away, I destroy myself.
After having such a sweet experience with God and living a life full of joy how is it that we can turn away so easily? Why does the life of the "world" always seem so tempting? I find that when I'm most vulnerable is when I fall the easiest. How many times do I find myself at rock bottom and climbing back up again?
I feel like I'm on one of the ropes you'd climb at a gymnastics gym, where it's so hard to get up to the top and once you do, your on cloud nine, but going down is so much easier but you get some nasty rope burn if you hold onto it too tightly.
As I see it, getting to where you want to be with Jesus is hard, takes strength and work but once you get there it's the best feeling, while coming down and falling away from Jesus, it hurts, it's disappointing and you feel at a lost. However, if you did it once you can do it again. You can climb to the top, it gets easier. You can go back to Jesus, and it'll eventually get easier.
I say this so so often but I need to and want to get back to the place where it's me and
Jesus. Where nothing can come between Him and I and his joy is my strength to get through any day.
The beautiful thing about the gospel is Jesus is ALWAYS there. He will always be accepting of you no matter how bruised and scarred up you may be. When I go through these rollercoasters I'm always shameful of bringing things to Him but I've been reminded that He can handle it. He is God and he created ME and knows ME and everything that will happen in my life, yet he still loves unconditionally. He's waiting for you. He doesn't want to force anything upon you but He has the door open for when you are ready to walk in.
I found this on Pinterest today and it spoke volume "It gets better. I wish that I could tell you the exact day of the week that the sun will begin to shine again, but I can't. It's gradual. You'll feel lighter a little more each day. Your heart will begin to put itself back together piece by piece. Eventually, one day you'll look in the mirror and recognize yourself again. But the thing that people get wrong in this... time isn't your healer, Jesus is. It doesn't matter if years pass, though it may look like the rainy days are behind you, you know that the clouds can burst at any moment. But with Jesus, he digs into the deepest parts of your soul and doesn't "fix you" He makes you new again. So hold onto that hope that where you are, isn't where you'll always be. God's got bigger plans for you"
God is madly in love with you, don't forget that.