Someone who barely knows me approached me today and asked me if I was depressed. Saw it in my eyes, the amount I sleep, how I interact with others. I sat there and thought about it, I thought my days of depression were over, but as a matter of fact, they never went away.
I think what happened was I got so good at hiding it that I truly thought it was done. I stopped taking my medication, I barely spoke about it and convinced myself I was fine.
I thought changing my environment, changing my habits would make it all go away, but really, I think it made it worst. I'm no longer numb, I'm in a sober mindset which is causing me to feel and relive everything.
How can I be complaining? I'm living steps away from the beach, sunbathing on the daily and swimming in the salt water. But with all things considered, I still feel so sad.
I came back in the 'Christian Circle' hoping I would be able to hear Jesus' voice better, that I could receive Godly advice and encouragement and just be surrounded by his presence, when in reality I feel more alone than I've ever been.
I'm wrestling with the thoughts in my head, is it really over? Is this the end for me? I'm stuck in my mind with truly scary thoughts on a constant loop and I really don't know how to clear my mind. I'm always looking at ways to fix it, what if I do this differently, what if I move to this country, what if I hop around for a few years, but the last thing I'm looking to for a fix is Jesus.
I feel as though depression has a voracious appetite and just feeding off my day to day struggles.
I know in the back of my mind that He's the only one who will physically pull me out of this devouring feast, but I'm not sure how to get there. I know God is good, I know God is always with me, but why is it that I can't hear him? I can't place his goodness in my life right now and I feel so, so far away.
The thing is, substance abuse is so easy because it's so accessible, it satisfies you immediately. However, what I've learnt, that satisfaction is so temporary, can last minutes or a night but it doesn't satisfy the soul, it's a bandaid to everything going on. Only applies a few stitches to the very large wound...
While when you give it up to Jesus, he digs into the deepest parts of your soul and he doesn't "fix you" but He makes you new again.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” Psalm 34:18
I'm here because although I'm not as close to God as I want to be, I know God well enough to know that divorce and the bottom of a bottle is not what He has for me, He isn't finished with me yet, it is not my ending. Nothing is too hard for God, nothing is too far gone and He will never be finished with you. I'm here to tell you there is more, don't give up yet.
"Even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light as you" Psalm 139:12