When I was a little girl I was always in love with the idea of a big wedding. I loved being the flower girl, I loved seeing the bride in her white gown and the colourful flowers. I had a pinterest board labeled as "my dream wedding" and every so often I would add things to it, waiting to find the right man and to make my dream come true.
Since becoming a Christian when I was 18, the idea of marriage sounded more real to me. Rather than a big wedding, it was a covenant before God, remaining faithful to your husband and choosing him daily. I grew up with divorced parents, so divorce I decided in my heart was never going to be an option for me, the way it affected my parents, my brother and myself, I never wanted to go through that again.
I went to YWAM (Youth With A Mission) people also called it "Yes We Arrange Marriages." It's a 6 month discipleship training school focusing on Jesus, where you are constantly with the same people everyday, all day. You learn the depth of a person within minutes of meeting and it's like you've known them for years. Once the school finished there were about 4 engagements (so yes, they do arrange marriages). I went home and was in a long distance relationship for about 9 months till we decided that I was coming back as a staff member and we could be together in person.
As we were staffing together in Australia, it seemed perfect. We were both sought after the Lord, doing what we loved together. During our time staffing another 3 engagements happened and the pressure of getting married was slowly rolling in. Devan is American and I'm Canadian so we needed to figure out where to go next and how to live/work in one of each others countries. We spent some time in South Carolina then made our way to Canada and that's when we decided marriage was the next step for us. We had a 6 month engagement and got married.
We did pre-marital counseling, discussed what life would look like while married and our plan for the next couple years and we had it all figured out, so we thought. It was our first time living together on our own, we had bills together, had a place together, shared a bathroom and bank accounts.
Yes we were young, and yes we may not have dated as long as others but we truly believed we could make it work if we both woke up daily choosing each other, till one day we stopped. Things got hard, we had only one income which brought up numerous fights, choices were made that affected my mental health greatly, our vision of what we wanted changed and one day everything came crashing down and he left.
Divorce, something I thought was never going to be an option to me became real. I became numb to feelings and emotions, I stopped going to church and I ran far, far away from God. I became self-destructive, hurt those around me, hurt myself and especially hurt Devan.
I had people supporting me through it, letting me know they are praying for me and that God still loves me relentlessly but it wasn't something I believed. I felt so much shame and embarrassment, still do.
Out of the blue a month ago, I got an email from YWAM Kona, saying they found my blog (this website) on the internet and they wanted to invite me down to come and blog for them. Me? A divorced-23 year old who's been drowning themselves in alcohol and drugs for months?
I listened to a sermon the other day by Steven Furtick 'My Maker Is My Mirror.' Pastor Steven said "God doesn't see you through the lens of your mistake, but he looks at you through the lens of His grace. He looks at you and sees the finished work of Jesus Christ."
If God defined you by your mistakes the bible would be titled "The book of Moses murder" or "The book of David's adultery"
There is a way that God sees you because he formed you, there's a way you see you and there is a way others see you. Where you go from this point forward in your life will depend on which mirror you believe.
Receiving that email, I felt pursued again by Christ and I have learnt regardless of your situation, He is there with you.
Just because the storm is raging, doesn't mean God has left the scene and just because he hasn't stopped it doesn't mean he doesn't see it. And just because the devil started it, doesn't mean God won't use it. Just because I don't know how long till we get there doesn't make me doubt his presence in the middle of it. He was there the whole time.